"what if scenarios": this is what analysts do *wink

In the spirit of Oscar week (and an excuse to post Mr. McAvoy picture) let me talk something I know about atonement*.

I watched Atonement last year after seeing the trailer repeatedly in cable tv. It won Oscars, so I guess it should be at least boring but good. Really recommended the movie, especially those who can stand long movies (123minutes). But it's really worth the sacrifice (fell in love with McAvoy here heehee).

However, after I saw it first time, I left the movie feeling~ weird. I wasn’t happy nor gullible such post air-head chick flick or rom-com movies. Yet, I was sad because the ending isn’t so ‘chick flick-ey’. You know what; I went to find the book (Ian McEwan), assuming it will give me a different kind of ending. Ha, so much of an imagination.

The main characters apparently are not the couple struggling to get their happy ending (such ‘The Notebook’ to name a few). It is the little girl, Briony, who with her vivid imagination took the burden of her own guilt. She tried her best all her life to make amends to Cecilia (her sister) and Robbie (Cecilia’s lover). However, fate chose different ending for the couple who died during the war and all Briony had was her novels. So she chose whatever writers are good at, making a totally different ending. A happy one.

The weird feeling hasn’t gone away. But now I can relate to the old Briony.

There are times when I want to wipe off the guilt, I imagine things to go the other way. Isn’t it the power of being a writer? That’s what I do ^^.

And lately, I got myself a little guilt creeping inside of me. Nothing religious, but more human interaction issue (heh, whatever it means). In short, it is harder if you feel the guilt toward another person compare to guilt of onself! Especially if they live hundreds miles away and has issues of their own. (Hoho, pointing fingers). So I indulge in a different kinda 'what-if' scenarios here and there to make amends for what could've been between our complicated relationship. That's what writers do, no?

Anywho, my believe is that we should NOT live in guilt. Having a sense of guilt is okay since it means you are being a human. Having none would equal to pshycotic. Too much would be suicidal (not much different apparently). And looking at it from my Christian believes, we should not live in guilt of our past. Because atonement has made through Christ and so we live as a new being.

*[Atonement: Amends or reparation made for an injury or wrong; expiation. a. Reconciliation or an instance of reconciliation between God and humans. b. Atonement Christianity The reconciliation of God and humans brought about by the redemptive life and death of Jesus]

kring kring goes goes..* (am I the only creep knowing this bicycle song?)

The "Bike to Work" idea is, in my opinion, very very enticing. The program itself was actually initiated back in 2004 by a community calling for a less pollution in our lovely Jakarta.

It seems like five years on the community still sticks to their mission. On a typical morning on my way to the office, I usually could see a couple man with full bicycle equipment in the morning roaming smaller street in the CBD area (haven’t seen any woman just yet, though).

Skeptics, oh yeah, lots of them. Here’re my two cents:

Pros:
1. A bike is the least pollution contributor vehicle around.
2. Way cheaper than spending on fuel or public transport and parking (since it is free except the initial investment on a good bike. And the cycling equipment, if you insisted.)
3. It is a healthy cardio exercise, considering you go early enough to avoid the unfiltered Metromini’s exhaust

Cons:
1. If you stay far enough from the office, it is possible that over time your calves will re-emerge to be Becak paddlers. It may be OK for guys, but girls?
2. You need to bring another set of clothes and the appropriate equipments. Imagine having an important meeting later in the day.
3. Weather in Jakarta is unpredictable. And during rainy season you could just only pray for no floods on your way.

I could find more contrary position on this matter actually (haha, high maintenance me). But most importantly, this pros and cons are only practical if you can ride a bike and has a good motoric sense. Which in my case is non-existence.

curious case of woman on top

Should a girl become ‘one of the boys’ to make it in today’s corporate world?

No matter how far the world has evolved (assuming this is no longer a dark age), reality is it is still damn tricky to be a female in a corporate world where predominantly it is run by the so-called boys club.

Main problem is gender bias does exist, no matter how you want to deny it. It creates so many other issues, including how: female is easily misjudge if acting outside the socially accepted female behavior while she is also expected to be more political and be more like the boys to get the top exec position.

Here’s one simple difference between girls and boys as an elementary student that create such a huge gap later on.

Boys are used to play team sport since they were little. They learned from such an early age on how to separate friends and allies in order to win the game. They could be an allies but not a friend outside the game, and vise versa. The cycle then repeated every time they played sport (which was often I believe), writing this in their DNA.

Girls on the other hand were brought up at the other end of the spectrum. We played nurturing games and were expected to be friend with everyone. Then if we don’t get along, we just stop playing together and find a new friends.

ONE of the reason why girls are less comfortable being involved in office politics is: because some of us prefer to be friends with people who we are getting along with and at the same time trying not to be considered the witch by people who we don't get along with. However, this ONE also lead to the result of why there is less female exec in the world.

I guess, if we, girls, really have the drive to play the game (liking Niko in Lipstick Jungle –the Book, not the Series), we could just.. have it ALL. Look at the example of Indo current top exec: Sri Mulyani a.ka the Iron Lady (see what I mean about gender bias?) our own Finance Minister and Coordinating Minister for Economy. Or the newly appointed Pertamina Director, Karen Agustiawan. If these ladies can do it, so do the rest of us, yes?

Well, just remember that success come with sacrifice and being brought up a nurturer it would be bigger sacrifice for women. But really, it is up to each individual preference on what to achieve in this world, no?

I found this interesting article few short tips for those who want to get to the top.

Oh, this stuff is so serious. *wink*

10,000 hours

I am reading 'Outliers: Story of success' by Malcolm Caldwell.

One of his theories (the one in the earlier pages) is that how practices ARE the fundamental of your success. He suggests that the threshold for creating a masterpiece (in any sort of field: being a programmer, doctor, pilot, WRITER!) is an intense experience of 10,000 hours.

So, no intense writing for me. My experience with writings are more.. personal like:

I remember start writing "mispronounced-no ending stories" in English back when I was in the fourth/fifth grade. Oh, and the 'class newspaper' me and my fellow blogger here, DN, did when we were in the fourth grade. I was religiously writing my diaries (still have them. as a proof.) since I asked my mom for a diary back in the fourth grade. OK. Let's say fourth grade I started writing and my diaries last until I was grade 8. (1,000hrs).

Then I wrote a few short stories here and there from grade 8 to 12. (2,000hrs ~assume 2hrs writing per day on average)

Uni~ the most fruitless time of my life (at least the first half of it) I rarely write except the management/marketing assignments. (1,500hrs)

Work. Me and my research reports. Where I spent at least 5 hours per day trying to write something out of my butt (3,470hrs).

Goodness. I'm still 2,000hrs short from my 'masterpiece'!

Do you have any passion that you're working hardly on (design, drama, agriculture, finance~ maybe just maybe, drawing, speaking, programming, music)?

Now, have you done it for 10,000hrs or more?

welcome (back) to the nasty corporate world, b****!

no. my friend didn't necessarily say that, but it was close. i gave her my new office email so she could welcome me back after my one-month seclusion and that was her first email.

my new place is not nasty though. but i can understand her point of view as we share bitterness as the impact of being politically incorrect.

it does, however, give me an idea to launch a new project of 'Welcome to the nasty corporate world!' a.ka 'Corporate world 101' a.ka 'Corporate world: from the horse mouth' (just saying, I haven't got any title yet~)

undeniably, you're part of it or you will be. I'm sort of wanting to share the experience of working in our lovely capital city, Jakarta, so that when the time has come you will be ready. (or if it will never come, i'll say, lucky you.)

so. i will go find as many as ladies who'd like to share me some experience and give me some point of view on the corporate world they are currently cruising. and hopefully some gossips along the way.

why ladies? oh, boy, corporate world is a junk full of man, so enough already.

help is much needed so~ help!

dance with the wolves

characteristic of the herd:

a predator
they are infuriating during rainy season (and the rest of the year, the next year, and the next decades)
they could duplicate within second (or so it seems)
their movement is limber
their pace is unpredictable
their steps are uncoordinated
they howl hard if you caught their tails
but easily slipped away when they caught yours

location: any streets, lane, pedestrian walk, bus way skywalker, anything that has soil on

comments: people, embrace it. You just have to LOVE to hate them and the millions other sold (only) last year in Indonesia soil

when a girl likes a boy

Do you remember when you were young enough to be pure, but old enough to think that your opposite sex (or same sex~ whatever) is one attractive human being? The magical feeling of being giddy, excited to see your crush, remembering their full name, their driving plate (ha, I did that). Then disclosing it to your very best friend, who'll keep it as a secret and you two creating a nickname for them.

Do you remember when the first boy (I'll use this as my reference.. preference) decided to announce their feelings for you? Even though you both are still a fourth grader (or Kindergarten if you are luckier) and still you thought that he was the one?

Looking back, the fun of having a crush at school seems so fairy-tale story.

Do we think about what happen if the boy liking us back? Uh-huh, no.

Yet, back then, I envied my girlfriends who got boys lining for them. I wasn't really lucky (as in so lucky to experience Kindergarten love story). The first boy who told me he liked me was when I was on the verge of puberty. I was 12 and I don't really like him. And I never had boys lining up for me.

Meanwhile, some of my elementary friends were already dating (meaning: went to see the movie, meet each other in the park :), or whatever they did back then). I know that they maybe the alpha male/female within our population (or sample is a more likely size of what we were) but still, the feeling of being left behind is not so nice.

Honestly, I'm just happy now we are grown up. I can't say the same for boys on the growing up part, but I'm glad I'm no longer ten and seeing all of my girlfriends have their own follower.

Reason: not because I have an entourage of my own, no.

I guess life has taught me few things about relationship. While physical attractiveness is crucial, but relationship (or life) is not by all means successful based on the numbers. You know what they say, quality over quantity.

Being a grown up, maybe delete the magical feeling of 'falling in crush' faster since we've learned that what follow is hard-work, it proves that there's some things that are more important after the crush phase. There is no point for being so popular if we ended up alone in misery because none of the boys are connecting with us on our level, right?

Although, yes, it is still fun to have boys lining up to see you once in a while.

So when a girl likes a boy (and vice versa), give it a shot! Just make sure that, he likes you back, you two share the same future, and you're willing to work for it

Simple one, two, three.

Image source: www.art.com

Liana

when you said 'I miss you'
it was raining down here

isn't it always rain when we met?
be it naughty drizzles and droplets
or dame hurricane
we explore instinct to search for warmth
enjoy the grayness blooming skies..

boy, aren't we lucky having them all

time is our enemy
distance is the evil
so when it reaches its width
kiss my temple
at the edge of the sea

then caress me
as we danced through the dawn
with sky as our roof
and pacific as our dance floor

modern women and money

What is it with today's woman and the importance of being financially independent?

Anyway, I come to think about this because I had arguments this afternoon with the man I spent the last five years with (had to admit that despite whatever, we are very young and this whole grown up things are new to us. At least it has increasingly becoming important in the past one or so year) about me and my careers.

I have an interesting career, it pays well, I sort of interested in it, and it pays well. Basically, the energy wasted are equally repaid. Anyway, in time of boredom I usually tell my man that I want to quit and get married and raised seven kids. He loves this idea because my man is apparently very traditional minded. But of course I was just bored/stressed. I mean who loves banking?

Anyway, we fought over this a LOT because I want to spend my time in the next few years taking up certificate for 'being a good analyst'. He keeps on telling me that I could do whatever I want, but why do something I don't like?
(Again, who likes banking? Maybe the person who create the system loves it, but 99% of the workforce would be in it to get some money on the process.)

And then it occurs to me today that it is possible that my strong argument was because I don't believe that he could provide for me the way I could provide myself so far. I just love being financially independent, no need to worry about asking people for money and giving a reason to buy stuff. That's the major concern if I ever has to give up this career I guess~ Being boneless

Let me start with some background check: I am an Asian young lady born circa 80s. I was brought up mainly in private school believing that girls are much smarter than boys and that, us, woman could conquer the world. Then I went to uni overseas where equality is more than just a word. I was single most of my life, although in the past five years I've been together with one man, I was brought up thinking that I will have to be independent.

On the contrary, leaving the careers behind is just a temptation because ~who doesn't want to be taken care of? Which young lady doesn't want to be able to spend days with nicest things and no longer need to be political in the office? No need to prove yourself (all done during the courtship hey). No appraisal. You could do ANYTHING you'll like. Who doesn't want all of the above?

Maybe, I just don't want to be under any man authority. (I know.. that's terrible. Isn't it?) Am I too selfish? Am I too greedy? Am I making the worst decision for keeping my career?

So really, what's wrong with modern woman and the need to be financially independent?

You know what, thanks to consumerism crap thrown at me (and tons of cute and fun dresses and my soft spot to glossy magazine and books), I would never reach into conclusion.

is it just me~

or has he ignored my shout out?

I do hope that he's just temporarily crazy or something.

Oh, brother~

the office

My new boss character is just out of a movie.

He could be Monk with the craziness that Monk can be. You name it. He looks like the OCD type.
He's sort of funny-man as well, with his overwhelming nervousness and non-existence calmness over how people think. On how I think.

Yesterday, when I asked the time he expects me to come, he said whenever before nine am. Of course, that would be really great if the company is not in 3-in-1 range of fire. That's beside the point. When I told him that I want to attend the morning meeting he became really nervous and told me that I just have to relax at this point in time and when I attend the meeting I could just sit and listen. *That's why I want to join, btw, but he has the need to spell it out. So I let him have it :)

Then this morning he called me again to his office to talk about~ dressing up. He seemed so worry on how I think or maybe how other think on how I dress up. It was so funny and I didn't mean to be mean. Anyway, I wore my comfort clothes today (on my second day).

Comfort clothes are like comfort food, it is comfortable for you but doesn't add any value to your look.

My comfort clothes include pant suit with wide legs, striped button blouse and zara oversize knitware. I looked like trash. Apparently, so does other in the research room. They dressed down. So down that I'm a ten.

Although, yeah, yesterday, as I thought that they will take me around, I put on my nicest top and skirt a la 50s.

Haha, but that's so funny though. I couldn't hide my smile.

Maybe later he will comment on my makeup also :)

Just to make things straight, he could be the nicest boss I have *I mean real boss who hires me*. He is real genuine person and I really like him. I hope him the best in this world.

fulfil, like a piggy ^oo^

What it is like being content in your life? It is rare occasion for me in the past six months, but now I feel like I'm at peace with everything.

And it does occur to me that peace, contentment, happiness is not derived from material contentment. OF COURSE, the fact that I don't have to think (or making a fuss) about that is a crucial matter. But, most of ALL, peace, joy and contentment can not be bought.

In the past few moment, I couldn't stand still. It is as if someone put a light under my butt, making me restless. Unable to stay in one place. Like a lense, I was out of focus, thus the result was blurry. (I could be deep. HA!)

I hope I shouldn't return to that state anymore. I was bad, real bad. I acted carelessly, I gave bad advice *this is my biggest regret*, I was just like a kid running to lollipop dangled in a unsettling dog (or some sort). Whatever I want I have to get. It has given me the wrong competitive streak~ where I in the end isolated myself to dark.

I want to be good.

That's the only request I have for this year.

Nerve

I start working tomorrow. A new place. An extension of life in the investment banking industry. Lucky me, I got a second chance.

So now I'm moving my stuff over to my grandparent's home up in the town~ while watching Enchanted in cable. So I feel like writing so much. Especially since I target myself with 120 entries for this blog this year (such a low low low target) well, compare to 26 last year~

Anyway, given the time I spent doing nothing down under, I have picturing how my room will look like. I have two projects. One in my grandparent's, one in Bandung. The one in my grandparents will have green/blue/gray color scheme while the one in Bandung is more girly with red/pink/white/choc. I'll surely update it here once I finished with them.

I love decorating. It put me off the reality.

this speaks to me

"... There's nothing wrong about banking, darling, it's just not for you. You should be around people. You should laugh a little. You should write. And you should be wearing much better clothes."

Lauren Weisberger in Everyone Worth Knowing

A good company

I spoke to one of my longest friend last night, D, the one who doesn't want to return to our home country :).

But that's not my topic, people. Let's get back to where I was trying to say.

I spent two years with her (two, always TWO years~ is that how my life will ever be? Chopped around in two years period?) as a deskmate in high school. I can't remember whether or not we fought (I guess we did, she could be very very very mooody haha and so am I). But I understand her and I guess she does as well.

Anyway, she message me yesterday regarding my hypothetical blog (not so imaginative, as it is out there) is what it called~ She found out about it when she googled herself ^hihi^ and message me rightaway.

We end up in MSN, chattering away about life. I told her about my love/hate relationship with the banking industry and how I hate failing CFA (which if I have to do it again, I'll loose another 2 pounds). I told her how I love writing and I just want to runaway with my writing.

Unlike my other friends who were telling me to pursue my dream, she told me that preserverence is the lesson she learned.

I laughed to oblivious because she is the smartest girl I've ever known, with discipline and passion. No way she'd ever failed.

She sneered and told me that she did failed. She failed a test going for graduate school. Four times. But she preservere and now she's on her way to graduate school. Then, she told me that in down the road I could still pursue my dream and enriched it with my own experience.

Now, I envied her for trying so hard. While here, I'm crumbling because of one failing test. I'm such a mushroom.

So thank you so much, D. I just couldn't potray how much you have supported me and get me back in line for my own race. I miss you and I hope you just change your mind and move back home.

Noodle to my broth *not

I need to vent.

If I stop and hold you back
Would you change?
If I sacrifice my heart
Would you change?
Because my love is not unconditional
And what's done is done

Oh, brother~ ^^