--i kindly need you back

just not right 

my head and all these vocabularies

i simply have forgotten how to write, composing sentences 

worse still, 

my head has been stopping from wandering in the land of daydreaming, 

one that creating stories out of wisp 

busy. huff. 

my heart keep longing

reaching down

risking idealism

where are you straying minds?

i kindly need you back

luck and blessing

For the luckiest girls I know.. and the most blessed one :)

Sometime.. I use luck and blessing inter-changing-ly. Why? Because while I know the meaning is not really the same, it does provoke similar response: that the recipient get something that she/he doesn't realllyyy deserve but receiving it anyway.. In my view, luck is more a random action upon the receiver.. while blessings is used to acknowledge that there is greater power that disburse the 'happiness'. In other word it depend on whether we are spiritual/not. Or is it?

My parent keep on telling me this one-liner every time I feel stressed out, which usually happen as exam draw nears *haha*: "Study as hard as you can, but when the time comes, let God take over." It helps, honestly, every other time. The other odds, the stress level is too high that I still need to have control over it and ended up tired or failing.

But I believe, giving up control is part of which why some people can be lucky or blessed. It's not the formula for luck though, (what's in life that has formula except math and science?) maybe more how-to.

I used to think that all I need to do is work hard enough that I know exactly the outcome is driven by me and me alone. But now I started to suspect that luck/bless factor is indeed exist. Let me put it this way: luck/blessing is the premium to our fruit of labor, factor that determine the magnitude of impact on our work, and we deserve it.

when too much of plotting is done~

Figure above is the positive correlation between my weight and Jakarta Composite Index

Now I'm just tired from plotting all different scenarios of possible correlation. Like how much stock will rise from the expectation of VP Boediono? How much stock will slump on the backdrop of Prez Mega? Just saying.

Enough politics for tonight. Back to Zie's weight and JCI index. Love the graph, but I think I need to take CFA test again and see how it is inversely related with my weight.

plant a tree

the left corner side of my office table

(OK, it was with the help of props :$)

I think I need to add to my 2009 resolution: to start planting a tree.

Jakarta is the second worst city for work?! Expats, come on!

Read this surveys in Jakarta Post today. Will get the link once it is uploaded in their web.

Funny enough, the expats they interviewed sort of contradicting the result surveys.

10 Worst Cities to Work in

1. Lagos, Nigeria
2. Jakarta, Indonesia
3. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
4. Almaty, Kazakhstan
5. Mumbai, India
6. New Delhi, India
7. Nairobi, Kenya
8. Bogota, Colombia
9. Ho Chi Minh City, Vitenam
10. Chennai, India

OK. This is sad. We are worst than Mumbai in a recent surveys. Don't they remember about Mumbai Massacre? It was only few months back?!

Anyway, have a pleasant day working wherever you are. And please pray for us in Jakarta for having to work in the second worst city for expats. *Sarcastic Tone on* Yipeeeee!

recognition, success, or solid team-work?

Were the options that the upbeat trainer asked us, the 20-something new associates, to choose from.

It was afternoon in Sydney and people are already tired after a full day of training and I can bet that their mind already in the next pub that they will hit that night. But the always upbeat Mr. Motivational Speaker asked us to move to respective team at each corner of the room. Clap. Clap. Asking us to make a faster move, while he stood there with huge grin on his face.

Guess what, most of us (including me) were cluttered on the corner that said ‘success’ (success as in whatever we do we is a hit, every day, every project but then in alienate from being recognize by our superiors and being in a solid team).

Maybe it was what we are aiming to be at work. Maybe we are all still young that we want nothing but success, not even a good team to work with nor recognition from our respective superior. Or maybe we were just following the ‘herd’.

So Mr. MS asked each of the team why we are standing where we were.

One of the South Africa older girls from the ‘solid team-work’ group, however, said something that I still remember till today. “I guess when I was younger (she sneered) I would be in that group (pointing at my ‘successful’ group). But now, after working for few years, I thrived to be with people that I could work with.”

What would you choose if you have the option of 1. being recognized, 2. being successful or 3. being in a solid team-work, however in alienation from each other?

(I guess I would be standing with a different peers)

stop being a bitch

I stumbled upon one of my friend's Facebook notes regarding a person that has treated her so badly. In one unimaginable way that I thought only happened in sinetron. And after all the shenanigans this 'difficult person' pulled, she reaped her 'reward'.

Sweet, sweet revenge, huh, C? Especially when justice is served without having yourself included in the blooded battle. That is what the church may call, victorious. ^^v.

I don't believe in karma but I do believe in the saying of 'treat other like you want to be treated'. Because really, never will we know in what form a 'help' can come in our way. Which is what I found out as well this week, about a person who invisibly supported a friend in need.

Just like any typical week, I spent my Monday/Tuesday hanging out with my ex-colleague, Miss S, for lunch. She was telling me that she called our old office to speak to Mr. A, the legal director, asking for some sort of work related help. Not long after they talk nonsense, Mr. A asked her, "So, how's work? You like it there? How's Mr. B going?"

Mr. B used to work in our old office, but in a different era. Miss S, without any suspicion answered that Mr. B is alright and that she's is pretty settling in to the new office.

"I'm glad I could help." Mr. A said.

Miss S told me that she suddenly sense something weird from the statement, "What do you mean, Pak?"

"Lho, it was me who called Mr. B and hooked you two girls up for interview with him after the layoff."

What? It was him?! Mr. A who is typically acting ignorant about work and we sometime tease for his porn-joke? Mr. A who even didn't acknowledge us when we were beyond our mind that day? He was the one who promoted us to Mr. B?

Right after I got my pink slip, I received a text message (exactly on the next day) from Mr. B asking for my CV and proposing for interview. I just directly assumed that it was my ex-HOR that inform Mr. B about our condition. Both Miss S and I never got a chance to confirm who was it and we both just assumed it was one of the research people we know through out two years in the company. Little did we realize that Mr. A was the one who thinking about us and acted fast. And little did he know that my spirit was lifted a little higher that day. I get this 'out-of-jail/unemployment' card pretty fast, huh!

Oh well, so the story ends happily. I got a chance for an interview and realised that the job wasn't for me but it fit Miss S like gloves. While me, here I am, fully content that being nice to people that other may not think earns the respect, while sometime could be undervalued, is actually one of the treasured character.

I can't even speak proper BAHASA

so much for a nationalist wannabe, huh!?

I had an interview today with Stock Exchange watchdog to get my working license and I sort of bombed it to the ground and leaving with destroyed dignity *...*

So there were three gentlemen interviewing me about this broker/dealer related rules. It started off pretty alright with general question and what-not. Then, they started to ask me about the rules. NOT the rules that I don't know, but the thing is, I don't know what on earth they are talking about.

In my defense, I studied capital market overseas and I hate to say this but I am freaking unfamiliar with the jargon here. And badly enough, I started to think in English, translating their question to Bahasa then thinking about the rules, trying to explain it to myself in English and tried to speak in Bahasa. Confused. Just like overused laptop of mine, my mind crash. Blank. So.......in the middle of the interview I just give up.

Thankfully the gentlemen were quite nice. They weren't scolding at me and later told me that I could take another test (written one thank God) because.. I don't know why, actually.

But really, what's up with my Bahasa? I am alright with the Bahasa pergaulan and could speak fast enough that people won't think I'm dumb bimbo. But full EYD? Nada. Another plan plan plan!

Anyway, talking about watchdog and language, I remember one of the 'joke' that my 'bule' ex-boss used to tell during a party with Indonesian.

"Do you know that dog is the only animal that speaks two languages?" He asked.
Me: "Ummmm.."
"What sound a dog makes here (in Jakarta)?"
Me (stupidly): "Guk guk?"
"In Australia it said, woof woof." He smiled widely.
Me: "Ah!" Awkwardly.

So smart, ey?

For the love of the country

I was a mere rookie in my previous company and was only working for one full year when few analysts from the ASEAN team and I got a chance to go for a marketing trip in Singapore. I thought then, with my very positive mindset, how hard can it be to convince these people to invest in Indonesia’s “X” industry? It is such an investment heaven!

Right, I was so freaking naïve.

I realized after few meetings that Indonesia’s slot was set aside to the end of each meeting. When they were nice, they’d say, “We’re saving the best for last.” Even I couldn’t believe that. And sometime I could just sat there in the fancy meeting room listening at each country making their presentations until the time was up. Or if there was still enough time I have to rush through my presentation so they could have Q&A session. Thank you very much.

I got so self-conscious that I asked my senior what I had done wrong. Did I look too nervous, too young, too inexperience? (Well, I did back then so he said so).

My senior was a 40s Singaporean uncle who always take pleasure in having a cigarette break in between our meetings. “But here's the fact, no body really knows Indonesia, especially these young fund managers. The market is too small for them to care. They just don't have enough information to make something out of it. Granted, they are more positive than their seniors who were in the industry during 1997/98 crisis. But their view on Indonesia is guarded by the foreign media who is not particularly fond of your country, dear. So it is your job to teach them.” He smiled. Puff. Puff.

And this was early 2008, before recession really hit Asia.

Why such skepticism? Why does Indonesia is being punished so badly? Are we such an easy scapegoat? I kept asking.

Going into my third year in the industry, it is pretty clear how very negative foreigner could view Indonesia; particularly during hard time such this. Most are preventing themselves to invest in Indonesia with excuses that our Government has rotten systemic and regulation problem, which is undeniable true, and that was the main reason for them to drive away to a safer haven.

We couldn’t blame them though; many of them were screwed over by Indonesia’s unfailing bad corporate governance during the crisis 10 years ago. And just like a broken heart, you could always forgive, but never forget.

But if we jump into the skepticism boat as well, who'd defend this country? Well, it is not always rainbow and sweet things. But could it be us that given away the impression that this country really not worth living? And if not us, who else could give a balance view about this country?

city lite

Since I've moved in to my new office, (a bit deeper into the heart of Sudirman compare to my previous one) I feel more weirdly attach with the city I work in. Surely, Jakarta is no Sydney, nor is it New York or London. Not even HongKong or Singapore. *Note that I NEVER work more than 3 month in those cities cumulatively~

But I guess Jakarta is a home, despite all of its wackiness. The unbelievable bus. Questionable bus-way. And the pillars that are supposed to be monorail (what's up with that?!). The ever annoying motorcycle (will I ever move on from this topic? I don’t think I ever will). Crazy car drivers. Then there is traffic jam which usually due to some stupid excuses.

Last Monday, while I was stuck in my car for five minutes in front of my office I couldn’t help to laugh. Everything just seemed to stop as far as my eyes could see, even motorcycles were struggling at the pedestrian walk. It was just like a scene out of those ‘Armageddon’-like movie where the citizen is rushing out of the city to get away from meteor/zombie/disease of your choice. It was so surreal.

(Then I found out it is because of this high-profile occasion in Semanggi that polices are stopping traffic coming from ‘Old Town’ (a.ka Kota).)

Do I hate it? Oh, do I sometime can’t help but wanting to cuss! But my cursing will have no positive impact, will it?

Traffic problem is just one way to picture it, but life in Jakarta is just too unpredictable in every aspect. There’s simply no historical pattern that technical analyst would cry themselves to sleep. Life is just so unpredictable that I could not help to embrace it. If you thrive for manageability/predictability that developed countries are offering, you'll be sorely disappointed.

Some of us may have the choice to work outside the country, which I say, lucky you. But nothing will remain the same after you work down herein Jakarta. Really, on a bright side you’ll appreciate much more of what you currently have. On the brighter side, maybe you will, like me, try to embrace every second pass and make the most of it :). Happy working.

[ Do you know: during the day (in the working day surely), Jakarta population is typically double or even triple its population during the night? ]

curious case of woman on top

Should a girl become ‘one of the boys’ to make it in today’s corporate world?

No matter how far the world has evolved (assuming this is no longer a dark age), reality is it is still damn tricky to be a female in a corporate world where predominantly it is run by the so-called boys club.

Main problem is gender bias does exist, no matter how you want to deny it. It creates so many other issues, including how: female is easily misjudge if acting outside the socially accepted female behavior while she is also expected to be more political and be more like the boys to get the top exec position.

Here’s one simple difference between girls and boys as an elementary student that create such a huge gap later on.

Boys are used to play team sport since they were little. They learned from such an early age on how to separate friends and allies in order to win the game. They could be an allies but not a friend outside the game, and vise versa. The cycle then repeated every time they played sport (which was often I believe), writing this in their DNA.

Girls on the other hand were brought up at the other end of the spectrum. We played nurturing games and were expected to be friend with everyone. Then if we don’t get along, we just stop playing together and find a new friends.

ONE of the reason why girls are less comfortable being involved in office politics is: because some of us prefer to be friends with people who we are getting along with and at the same time trying not to be considered the witch by people who we don't get along with. However, this ONE also lead to the result of why there is less female exec in the world.

I guess, if we, girls, really have the drive to play the game (liking Niko in Lipstick Jungle –the Book, not the Series), we could just.. have it ALL. Look at the example of Indo current top exec: Sri Mulyani a.ka the Iron Lady (see what I mean about gender bias?) our own Finance Minister and Coordinating Minister for Economy. Or the newly appointed Pertamina Director, Karen Agustiawan. If these ladies can do it, so do the rest of us, yes?

Well, just remember that success come with sacrifice and being brought up a nurturer it would be bigger sacrifice for women. But really, it is up to each individual preference on what to achieve in this world, no?

I found this interesting article few short tips for those who want to get to the top.

Oh, this stuff is so serious. *wink*

welcome (back) to the nasty corporate world, b****!

no. my friend didn't necessarily say that, but it was close. i gave her my new office email so she could welcome me back after my one-month seclusion and that was her first email.

my new place is not nasty though. but i can understand her point of view as we share bitterness as the impact of being politically incorrect.

it does, however, give me an idea to launch a new project of 'Welcome to the nasty corporate world!' a.ka 'Corporate world 101' a.ka 'Corporate world: from the horse mouth' (just saying, I haven't got any title yet~)

undeniably, you're part of it or you will be. I'm sort of wanting to share the experience of working in our lovely capital city, Jakarta, so that when the time has come you will be ready. (or if it will never come, i'll say, lucky you.)

so. i will go find as many as ladies who'd like to share me some experience and give me some point of view on the corporate world they are currently cruising. and hopefully some gossips along the way.

why ladies? oh, boy, corporate world is a junk full of man, so enough already.

help is much needed so~ help!

the office

My new boss character is just out of a movie.

He could be Monk with the craziness that Monk can be. You name it. He looks like the OCD type.
He's sort of funny-man as well, with his overwhelming nervousness and non-existence calmness over how people think. On how I think.

Yesterday, when I asked the time he expects me to come, he said whenever before nine am. Of course, that would be really great if the company is not in 3-in-1 range of fire. That's beside the point. When I told him that I want to attend the morning meeting he became really nervous and told me that I just have to relax at this point in time and when I attend the meeting I could just sit and listen. *That's why I want to join, btw, but he has the need to spell it out. So I let him have it :)

Then this morning he called me again to his office to talk about~ dressing up. He seemed so worry on how I think or maybe how other think on how I dress up. It was so funny and I didn't mean to be mean. Anyway, I wore my comfort clothes today (on my second day).

Comfort clothes are like comfort food, it is comfortable for you but doesn't add any value to your look.

My comfort clothes include pant suit with wide legs, striped button blouse and zara oversize knitware. I looked like trash. Apparently, so does other in the research room. They dressed down. So down that I'm a ten.

Although, yeah, yesterday, as I thought that they will take me around, I put on my nicest top and skirt a la 50s.

Haha, but that's so funny though. I couldn't hide my smile.

Maybe later he will comment on my makeup also :)

Just to make things straight, he could be the nicest boss I have *I mean real boss who hires me*. He is real genuine person and I really like him. I hope him the best in this world.

this speaks to me

"... There's nothing wrong about banking, darling, it's just not for you. You should be around people. You should laugh a little. You should write. And you should be wearing much better clothes."

Lauren Weisberger in Everyone Worth Knowing

A good company

I spoke to one of my longest friend last night, D, the one who doesn't want to return to our home country :).

But that's not my topic, people. Let's get back to where I was trying to say.

I spent two years with her (two, always TWO years~ is that how my life will ever be? Chopped around in two years period?) as a deskmate in high school. I can't remember whether or not we fought (I guess we did, she could be very very very mooody haha and so am I). But I understand her and I guess she does as well.

Anyway, she message me yesterday regarding my hypothetical blog (not so imaginative, as it is out there) is what it called~ She found out about it when she googled herself ^hihi^ and message me rightaway.

We end up in MSN, chattering away about life. I told her about my love/hate relationship with the banking industry and how I hate failing CFA (which if I have to do it again, I'll loose another 2 pounds). I told her how I love writing and I just want to runaway with my writing.

Unlike my other friends who were telling me to pursue my dream, she told me that preserverence is the lesson she learned.

I laughed to oblivious because she is the smartest girl I've ever known, with discipline and passion. No way she'd ever failed.

She sneered and told me that she did failed. She failed a test going for graduate school. Four times. But she preservere and now she's on her way to graduate school. Then, she told me that in down the road I could still pursue my dream and enriched it with my own experience.

Now, I envied her for trying so hard. While here, I'm crumbling because of one failing test. I'm such a mushroom.

So thank you so much, D. I just couldn't potray how much you have supported me and get me back in line for my own race. I miss you and I hope you just change your mind and move back home.

the intangible good characters

Well – today theme (well, it is more yesterday though) was unanswered question.

It started two days ago when a data request get me to review an annual report of a company we learn to love (thanks to some fashionably zexy brand). I stopped in the biography pages and scoured some pretty famous names. Many were born in 1940s, went to school in 1960s and have their first job in 1970s.

For a brief nanosecond moment I thought, ‘Will I ever got earn this sort of success?’ – you know, the sort that people will read your bio annually in a glossy pages of your company report.

Soon, it follow by, ‘If I finally moved on from the corporate life, would people still remember me after a while?’

Not to jumping around with mind, I realize that this is my first real job (and yes, we don’t count working in the kitchen as real job, do we?). Job which I was really blessed to have, which I decently enjoyed (depend on where you’re looking, really) and I won’t deny that the job is pretty cool.

I love being in the middle of all of ‘relationships’ (prefer this than network). I love meeting new people and finding out who they really are. I like the frustrating beginning when the new people were sneering and how it is going to evolve to something warmer. However, the questions are rushing in -

Would be an important people, really that ‘important’ in life? Does being an important person/woman is something that 20-30s years really aspire to be? Has the ‘reality tv’ made our generation make sure everyone knows about the success? Has the more intangible good characters long gone? Does being a staying home mother become failure?

Pressures are here; but only when we let them to be.